November 19, 2007

He’s “Mr. Conjunction Catholic”

He comes to our weekday Masses.
His voice is high-pitched enough to be mistaken for a woman’s, plus just loud enough to be heard over everyone else.
He begins every spoken response at Mass with a lengthened version of the word “and.”

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
aaand Amen.

Lord, have mercy.
aaand Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
aaand Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
aaand Lord, have mercy.

The word of the Lord.
aaand Thanks be to God.

A reading from the Holy Gospel according to Matthew.
aaand Glory to you, Lord.

The Gospel of the Lord.
aaand Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

... we pray to the Lord.
aaand Lord, hear our prayer.

... it will become for us the bread of life.
aaand Blessed be God for ever.

... it will become for us our spiritual drink.
aaand Blessed be God for ever.

Pray, brethren, that our sacrifice may be acceptable to God the Almighty Father.
aaand May the Lord accept the sacrifice at your hands....

Lift up your hearts.
aaand We lift them up to the Lord.

Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.
aaand It is right to give him thanks and praise.

... as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior Jesus Christ.
aaand For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours....

.... Happy are those who are called to his supper.
aand Lord, I am not worthy to receive you....

The Body of Christ.
aaand Amen.

The Blood of Christ.
aaand Amen.


... aaand I’d like to kick him in the if-aaand-or-but.


Blogger gemoftheocean said...

If I come up to Mass I should be able to determine who this is in about 2 seconds. If I go and sit directly behind him and whack him in the back of the head - will you give me a light penance or a heavy one? I draw the line at ascending Benet hill on my knees, but I'll do up to 10 rosaries. Deal? Or no deal? [Does he come to vespers, and do similar? If so, is there less penance for whacking him at vespers than Mass? Inquiring minds want to know.] I've been having a "besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play" week, so I could easily be persuaded to put the "hurt" on somebody. say the word, good Padre.

If you want to "play nice" I suppose I can follow him home and merely leave some dead fish on his doorstep. I'll wrap them in my calendar guys you sent me - a group shot so he'll "get the picture" but you guys will have to send me a new one.


2:18 AM  
Blogger Father Stephanos, O.S.B. said...


Yeah, I'm tempted also.

He comes only to Mass, not everyday.

He's respectful, devout, and all. Just doesn't know that he's doing something so ODD.

8:15 AM  
Blogger gemoftheocean said...

I'll get some cammies, so you'll know who I am. Although, come to think of it, if you see a woman whack this guy and his on the floor in front of her.... guess what? I made it up there to Mass on the "right" day. What's the procedure for committing a sin and receiving absolution and then Communion at the same Mass? Would I have time to feel "truly sorry?" Perhaps if I did the deed BEFORE the sermon? Then when Father Sermon is doing the homily you could give me absolution? [Yes, any protestant lurkers I AM kidding. Sorta.]

And you're right. That is very ODD.

Wait. I have a SCATHINGLY BRILLIANT idea. I'll sit behind this guy and preface every response with "AND AND" [do you think you could keep from breaking out laughing if I did that?] By the time I get through with him he'll be a quivering mass of jello. I'll warn you before I come up there so you can put your "game face" on. Abbot Charles won't ring my neck will he? Maybe not as much fun as putting "the hurt" on someone - BUT, at worst it would probably be only a venial sin, and I can do it BEFORE the confetior, and still make Communion without a special trip to the confessional at the homily time. What say you?

1:35 PM  
Blogger Father Stephanos, O.S.B. said...

If I hear, "aaand Ouch!" during Mass, I'll know whom to blame.

3:03 PM  
Blogger gemoftheocean said...

I think you'll hear:

"and ...
"and and THWACK"

Just have your holy oils on you, okay? I don't think I'll get carried away (perhaps in a straight jacket, but whatever...) but one should be prepared. does Brother Beekeeper still keep bees?


7:04 PM  
Anonymous Marie said...

Dear Fr. Stephanos,

I know of a dear old priest who used to do this. He's a very holy priest, now retired, and living in Malibu.

And Lord, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

And Christ, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.

And Lord, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

And let us pray...

And a Reading from the Holy Gospel according to Luke..
Glory to you, O Lord..

And as Jesus drew near Jerusalem,
he saw the city and wept over it, saying,
“If this day you only knew what makes for peace–
but now it is hidden from your eyes.

(And you know how it goes...
And yes, I miss him!)

And Cheers!

2:14 AM  
Blogger Hidden One said...

*laughing uproariously.

5:33 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

Click HERE to go back to the front page of this blog.